Taking Up Space
I am a true extrovert, energized by people and experiences and being out in the world. When I'm surrounded by the buzz of life I feel alive too (yet oddly I hate loud, repetitive noises but that's another post for another day). The obvious benefit of stretchy pants aside, when I stay home, left alone for too long, I start to feel isolated and depressed.
My book club doesn't believe me when I claim extroversion. "But you love books, you read all the time" they say. "You're quiet during the discussion, you mostly observe" they protest, and they're right. More on this later.
This past weekend we had the benefit of a kid-free weekend, so my husband and I went to see a band we both like at a new live music venue in the city. We found a spot to stand with a great view, and the space was crowded but not packed, so we had plenty of room to move around and dance. As the band's set went on, I started to feel uncomfortable, like I didn't have the right place to put my arms. I wasn't bumping into anyone, but I felt like I would at any second, even though I had plenty of space. My body, my physical presence, felt like it took up too much space in the world. I was too big, too awkward, too oddly shaped to fit. It wasn't that others were judging me - they weren't at all - it was a feeling that came over me so suddenly it was unsettling.
I've been thinking about that feeling a lot over the last few days, and I wonder, am I quiet at book clubs or in work meetings because I don't think I deserve to take up any more space? Has my physical size made it impossible for me to claim any intellectual size? Do I feel like I've already taken up as much space as could possibly be allowed for one person so I can't take up more with my ideas?
It's no secret that I have body acceptance issues, and plenty of psychological issues to go with them, but this is an aspect I hadn't considered before. Is the measure of a person really about how much space they occupy, with their body, their ideas, their contributions to society? Can one completely eclipse the others?
My book club doesn't believe me when I claim extroversion. "But you love books, you read all the time" they say. "You're quiet during the discussion, you mostly observe" they protest, and they're right. More on this later.
This past weekend we had the benefit of a kid-free weekend, so my husband and I went to see a band we both like at a new live music venue in the city. We found a spot to stand with a great view, and the space was crowded but not packed, so we had plenty of room to move around and dance. As the band's set went on, I started to feel uncomfortable, like I didn't have the right place to put my arms. I wasn't bumping into anyone, but I felt like I would at any second, even though I had plenty of space. My body, my physical presence, felt like it took up too much space in the world. I was too big, too awkward, too oddly shaped to fit. It wasn't that others were judging me - they weren't at all - it was a feeling that came over me so suddenly it was unsettling.
I've been thinking about that feeling a lot over the last few days, and I wonder, am I quiet at book clubs or in work meetings because I don't think I deserve to take up any more space? Has my physical size made it impossible for me to claim any intellectual size? Do I feel like I've already taken up as much space as could possibly be allowed for one person so I can't take up more with my ideas?
It's no secret that I have body acceptance issues, and plenty of psychological issues to go with them, but this is an aspect I hadn't considered before. Is the measure of a person really about how much space they occupy, with their body, their ideas, their contributions to society? Can one completely eclipse the others?
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